More On Caring for Parents

I've come to appreciate the time I can spend with my Dad because it is obvious that his time is growing shorter. At the same time, it's hard to see him getting weaker and weaker. The weather was so beautiful on Sunday that I took him outside for a short walk. When we returned, it was all I could do to get him back into the house because his legs were giving out beneath him.

Perhaps what is most difficult is discerning what is really best for his and my step-mother's needs, versus their desires that might not be realistic. For example, Dad was always the handyman who could do anything and everything around the house. Now he talks about building a table for the bedside, but I know that will never happen. He no longer has the steadiness needed for that kind of work. A power tool in his hand would be very dangerous.

A helpful book is How to Honor Your Aging Parents: Fundamental Principles of Caregiving by Richard P. Johnson, PhD, by Liguori Publications. Among other points, the book encourages caregivers to respect and care for themselves. If one does not, they will soon become burned out and no good to anyone, especially the person they are trying to care for.

Dr. Johnson debunks the myth that roles are reversed and adult children become the parents. No, he says, they are always our parents, no matter how much care we give them. He insists on the importance of maintaining a proper relationship with them:

"A fundamental care principle is to build a relationship with your aging parent based on quality rather than quantity. The word relationship is most important. It takes two people to form and maintain a relationship. Any relationship requires a sense of mutuality and togetherness for it to be successful. Both parties need the nurturance that the other can give....You need a balanced, mature relationship with your aging parents."

Since I live 300 miles away from my folks, and can only get to see them about once a month, it helps me to allow them their independence. It also adds to my worry. But it requires me to let go and realize my own limitations as a caregiver for them. If I lived closer it might be too easy to get sucked into their whirlpool of needs, losing my own identity and life.

The distance feels like a mixed blessing.