Just for Fun and Friends

Sometimes I find it necessary to reflect on something that has nothing to do with what's going on in the world. When the news gets too depressing and I know there's nothing I can do about it, I like to "escape" for awhile into the fantasy world that a book can provide for me. I don't think there's anything wrong with this practice because, as I said, it's only for a little while. Then I return to reality.

You can tell just from its title, There's a Bee In My Begonias that this is a fun book! For several years I taught biology and I still enjoy nature very much. Sometimes I can't contain myself, and if I'm outdoors with friends I occasionally burst into a spontaneous lesson about the flora and fauna around us. To some of my co-workers, including Philip del Ricci, I have become known as "Professor" because of the ways I expound on our surroundings as we walk around the property during our morning and afternoon breaks from work. (And silly me . . . I thought they were actually interested in knowing the answers to their questions.)

There's probably three things I could not do without in my life: nature, music, and my friends. Here's what Bernadette McCarver Snyder says in her book:

Flowers must depend on friends - sun, rain, breeze, butterflies and bees - for nourishment, food, and regular visits. I, too, depend on friends for the nourishment of exchanged ideas, shared food, and fun. They have added so much pleasure to my everyday journey and my spiritual journey - and I am grateful to each and every one.

If you need something light-hearted and truly enjoyable to read, you can get her book, There's a Bee In My Begonias at Liguori Publications. You won't be sorry.

Children have it right!

Some of us by nature are eternal optimists. Others, I guess are born pessimists. You know, "is the glass half full or half empty?" Certainly life can bog us down. But, like most other things, I think how we respond is up to us. We cannot control what life may hand us, but we can control how we react.

Our learned prejudices have a lot to do with our expectations. As children, we don't have the baggage to expect things to turn out bad. But then, as we grow up and have more and more experiences of the unavoidably unpleasant kind, we get tainted. Then we even begin to make problems where there were none because we expect someone is out to get us.

I came across a wonderful reflection over the weekend in a book called This Is the Day the Lord Has Made by Wilfred Stinissen (Liguori Publications). Here are excerpts from his reflection for September 22:

A child - if it lives in an environment where it is allowed to be itself - has no problems. Children aren't worried about money, food, or clothing....They figure they will always get what they need...

Children live in glorious freedom. Even the smallest, insignificant gift can mean pure bliss for them, because it is received in the present moment. The joy of the present moment is not darkened by worries of a difficult past or a threatening future. Children's ability to be present in the moment means that every moment has a gift to give and that every little occasion of joy is appreciated.

This presence in the moment also means that children make no separation between play and seriousness. Play itself is taken very seriously. They don't perceive mistakes as calamities; they count on forgiveness as self-evidently as they count on daily food.

This lack of worry is lost as we grow up and become "adult".... Life becomes full of "problems"...

I wonder if there is a way to reverse that trend. There's a bumper sticker that was popular in recent times that read "Imagine world peace." The concept was that if individuals imagined peace, they would begin to naturally approach life's hurdles with a greater sense of peace. And when they did so, others would be less irritated and also begin to live with more peacefulness.

Perhaps that could be true for simplicity, innocence and freedom as well. Imagine the world from the perspective of a child - with great confidence. Senator Robert Kennedy once said, "I dream of things that never were, and ask 'why not?'"

I think it's worth a try. Imagine life without problems and see how your day goes. When a stumbling block comes along, remember that its just for the current moment. Before long it will be over. And whatever you do, don't bring yesterday's stumbling blocks into today.

Hope Amid Hopelessness

I hate to keep dwelling on this like all the news media does, but the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina continues to boggle the mind. All the people whose lives have been changed forever; who will never return to New Orleans; who cannot find family members. I cannot begin to imagine how they feel.

I did receive a long e-mail from a friend who was able to get in just to assess the damage to his property. He covered whatever missing windows he could, but says he will not return for good until the electricity is turned back on and the running water is safe. His note made me want to go there and help with the clean-up in his neighborhood.

Amid the turmoil and frustration of it all, I found some consolation in a book by Kathleen O'Connell Chesto. She has written many books and appeared in several videos based on what she has written. Most of her works are on family life and values, which is her area of special interest. But the book I'm referring to is called, Risking Hope: Fragile Faith in the Healing Process. Here's what she says about hope:

There was a time when I thought I knew what hope meant. I thought I understood the risk. But too many nights of prayng to a heaven that seemed empty from a heart even more hollow . . . had left me questioning if I believed in anything at all, myself, my family, least of all, God. The words from Romans that had never made sense, "These sufferings bring patience, patience brings perseverance, and perseverance brings hope" (5:4), slowly took on meaning. I had thought of hope as more active somehow. But in that awful darkness, when there was nothing left to do but hold on to one another tightly, hope found us."

I think that kind of hope - holding onto each other tightly in the darkness - must be what's keeping those people in shelters going, and must be what's giving drive to those who return to find their homes in ruins.

More On Caring for Parents

I've come to appreciate the time I can spend with my Dad because it is obvious that his time is growing shorter. At the same time, it's hard to see him getting weaker and weaker. The weather was so beautiful on Sunday that I took him outside for a short walk. When we returned, it was all I could do to get him back into the house because his legs were giving out beneath him.

Perhaps what is most difficult is discerning what is really best for his and my step-mother's needs, versus their desires that might not be realistic. For example, Dad was always the handyman who could do anything and everything around the house. Now he talks about building a table for the bedside, but I know that will never happen. He no longer has the steadiness needed for that kind of work. A power tool in his hand would be very dangerous.

A helpful book is How to Honor Your Aging Parents: Fundamental Principles of Caregiving by Richard P. Johnson, PhD, by Liguori Publications. Among other points, the book encourages caregivers to respect and care for themselves. If one does not, they will soon become burned out and no good to anyone, especially the person they are trying to care for.

Dr. Johnson debunks the myth that roles are reversed and adult children become the parents. No, he says, they are always our parents, no matter how much care we give them. He insists on the importance of maintaining a proper relationship with them:

"A fundamental care principle is to build a relationship with your aging parent based on quality rather than quantity. The word relationship is most important. It takes two people to form and maintain a relationship. Any relationship requires a sense of mutuality and togetherness for it to be successful. Both parties need the nurturance that the other can give....You need a balanced, mature relationship with your aging parents."

Since I live 300 miles away from my folks, and can only get to see them about once a month, it helps me to allow them their independence. It also adds to my worry. But it requires me to let go and realize my own limitations as a caregiver for them. If I lived closer it might be too easy to get sucked into their whirlpool of needs, losing my own identity and life.

The distance feels like a mixed blessing.

On Caring for Dad

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I'm going to be spending the weekend with my Dad and Step-mother. Dad turned 81 last month. That's an amazing milestone. Unfortunately, he has Parkinson's disease, and each time I see him I can tell the disease has progressed a little bit more and his physical condition has deteriorated.

While it's sad to see him in such a state - he was always a handyman who could do EVERYTHING - it's also a blessing because it has caused me to spend more time with him, which I recognize is more precious than ever before.

I found inspiration in a book called Walking One Another Home by Rita Bresnahan. The subtitle of the book is "Moments of Grace and Possibility in the Midst of Alzheimer's." While the author's story is about her mother with Alzheimer's, I recognize many of the same concerns with my Dad who has Parkinson's. This book is really applicable to the care of any elderly person. It is a very human (read: "real") exposé of what a caregiver goes through emotionally, psychologically and spiritually, and how the caregiver must care for themself as well as the elderly or ill person.

The author's dedication of this book tells it all:
I dedicate this book
to my mother and father--
who taught me to walk gently
and to live simply on this earth;
to know what true riches are;
to appreciate what I have.
Their faith and love,
their lives and their stories,
gave me mine.

Get a life, but keep it simple

I've been away on vacation this past week. Had no access to a computer, so that's why I haven't written for awhile. My friend with whom I stayed does not have a computer in his home. During our conversations, several times he asked me how to go about something and my immediate answer would be, "Well, you can go online..." Then he would remind me that he does not have access to the Internet.

I'm sure my friend, Philip Del Ricci would have something to say about that because he is an IT "techy," and not having a personal home computer sounds archaic in our modern world. Yet, I must admit that I admire it to a certain degree. For example, when I travel I never cease to be amazed by the use of cell phones. Sitting in the boarding area at the airport, almost every other person is on their cell phone. Then as soon as the flight attendant announces that the door has been opened after landing, all the cell phones fly up to people's ears. I mean really, can't you even wait till you get off the plane?

I do not have a cell phone. I'm not opposed to them. Someday I might get one. But for now, there are just certain times (like while waiting to board a plane) when I simply do not want to be available...to anyone. Even for an emergency. Someone else will have to take care of it.

I do not have cable TV, either. I don't watch that much television, and I don't want to. I don't want the entertainment industry determining the schedule of my life. I get seven different channels on my "rabbit ears" antenna, and that keeps me happy. After all, I can't watch more than one channel at a time, anyway. My brother was once coming from out-of-town and planned to stay overnight at my apartment until he learned that I do not have cable. He went to a motel instead! Oh well, that was his choice.

I value quiet time. I enjoy listening to the birds outside my second-floor window. Late in the evening I like to sit outside in the dark on my small deck and absorb the quiet and the darkness before going to bed.

Another friend I visited seems really strapped for money. He holds down two jobs in order to get by month to month. His condo is really over-furnished, and he admits that. He lives alone, yet he has 3 televisions. Now he wants to get a piano (he doesn't play) because he thinks it would impress visitors, and he was trying to figure out how to rearrange the furniture so a piano will fit. I shake my head in amazement at him.

He typifies the modern American consumer. Business wants us to spend all the money we can - even money we don't have. That's why credit cards exist. My friend has to work holidays and lots of overtime just to pay his bills. But he has so little time to enjoy what he has and he is so exhausted when he does have time, that he can't enjoy anything.

We don't have to live like that. But living a less crazy life means that we have to make deliberate choices to take control of our lives rather than letting social and financial expectations control us. It's not that difficult, either. For example, whenever I walk into a department store or a discount store, I have a mantra that I just keep repeating: "Only what I really need; not what would just be nice to have." Then, everytime I look at some product in the store, I ask myself if I really need it. Most of the time the answer is "No," and so I pass it up.

Occasionally, I do "treat" myself to something that I don't need but would just like to have (like a chocolate ice cream cone). But that is also a deliberate choice, not merely because everyone else has one, or even worse, because it's on sale. In this way I believe and hope that I am saving both money and time for things I will really, really need and/or want later on.

Here's a beautiful book that has helped: Making More of Life With Less: Seeking Humility, Simplicity, and Silence by Rick Mathis, Ph.D. (Liguori Publications, 2004). Here are parts of a couple of paragraphs from the book:

"Simplicity demands that we lead a more reflective life and make choices according to this life. Although it does include some work at the beginning, there is a payoff in the end as far as not spending beyond your means, both in spending money and in spending another precious commodity. That commodity is time.

"Simplicity calls us to ease the complexities with which we have filled our lives. Do we really have to run in circles trying to take care of so many things at the same time? Can we get by with less?"

If a person has any kind of spirituality - in fact, if a person wants to have any kind of a life at all, then it seems to me that simplicity, quiet and reflectiveness are necessary. Wasn't it Socrates who said, "The unexamined life is not worth living."? So it's nothing really new.

Making Peace

I received a comment to yesterday's blog message that I read as rather negative toward the unfortunate souls stranded in New Orleans. "Anonymous" said he (or she) was upset because the people stuck there seemed to be creating their own problems.

My initial internal response was one of disgust at what "anonymous" had said. None of us has ever been in the horrific situation the people there are caught in. Those who are still there are there only because they could not afford to leave before the hurricane struck, or had no where to go. And now they have even less than they had before the hurricane. People do desparate things when they are in desparate situations. All of us would probably react similarly if we were there. I don't believe the looting and even the shooting has as much to do with morality as it does with survival at this point.

We all know the old axiom, "Don't judge a person until you've walked a mile in his shoes."

My own personal instincts tend to back down in trying situations. Instead of fighting, I am more inclined to seek reconciliation; to get people to work things out together and peaceably. I find inspiration for just about everything in life from the words in a book by Marilyn Gustin, Finding Joy and Peace (Liguori Publications).

Peacemakers are creators of a special kind. They take chaos or conflict or unhappiness and turn it into tranquility. They may do this actively. They may settle quarrels or negotiate disputes or write treaties. Or they may work primarily to prevent conflict. Some people are professional at these peacemaking activities. For most of us, though, the opportunity comes in the midst of our everyday living. Conflicts can happen anytime and anywhere two or more people are on the scene. The person who is practicing [peace] will respond to such conflicts quite differently from those who respond in fear or anger. Such a person will take immediate action to move toward reconciliation.

Peacemaking as described above seems to me to be the higher path in life. It certainly is not an easy one. A peacemaker can be beaten down in his or her tracks while trying to make peace among those with highly charged emotions like anger or fear. Yet I still think it is something worth striving for. If every person tried to be just a little more peaceful, think what an effect it would have on our world.

Elusive Happiness

Heard today from the friends from New Orleans who are staying in Baton Rouge. They had initially expected to return home by next weekend, but are being told it may be two months before the water can be pumped from the city and electricity restored. They are fortunate to be where they are and have a place to stay. So many others are not.

Also heard at last about the friends in Biloxi. They are living on the second floor of their house because of flood waters, but have no electricity or running water. They hope to go stay with other friends for awhile, but purchasing gasoline is quite difficult.

All the news reports and video clips coming from the huricane disaster help remind me that when I think I have difficulties, there are always others who have it much worse. My heart goes out to the people "trapped" in the Superdome and the New Orleans Convention Center.

Even though my own difficulties seem petty by comparison, they still tend to interfere with my comfort-level, and thus my level of happiness. But I wonder if we bring unhappiness upon ourselves. I mean, I see people who hold onto unpleasant, miserable things that happen in their lives and who just can't seem to get over them. Can't let go. They just keep brooding. And then they make everyone around them miserable, too.

Author Oscar Lukefahr says in his book, The Search for Happiness that "Happiness should be as natural to us as breathing." So why isn't it? Why do we expend so much energy for so much of our lives trying to pursue happiness? Why can't we be satisfied with what we've got and who we are?

Our consumeristic society seems programmed to make us believe that having more things (read: spending more money) will make us happier. Well, that keeps the economy going, but does having more things really make us happy? Or does it just make us want even more things as we grow bored with what we already have?

As examples Lukefahr compares Princess Diana, who could have had just about any thing she wanted, with Mother Teresa of Calcutta, who owned only two sets of clothing. Yet, as he points out, "Princess Diana's life was clouded with unhappiness. Mother Teresa radiated joy."

A little later he states:

It is easy to be unhappy. It takes no courage, no effort. Real worth comes from striving to be happy, from rejecting self-pity and the "feeling-good-feeling-bad" attitudes that bring misery to ourselves and others. We are at our best as human beings when we realize that happiness is largely under our control. Great souls understand that they have no right to wallow in woe, because this makes others miserable.

The lesson is this: being happy is mainly up to ourselves. No one else and nothing else can make us happy. If you're not happy, only you can do something about it.