I Need You; You Need Me

"Why do we let other people's judgments play such a large part in our understanding of ourselves and our feelings about ourselves? The answer lies at the heart of human nature: we are a profoundly social species. We must live with others, interact with them, give and receive support and love, . . . All human existence is coexistence." (True Self-Esteem; Jim McManus, Liguori Publications.)

Most of us probably revel in our personal independence. As teenagers we struggle constantly for independence from parents and authority figures, yet peer pressure is one of the most powerful forces in our lives at that time in life.
In order to feel good about ourselves we need reassurance from others that we are good. It's the old "I'm okay; you're okay" syndrome. It's not a bad thing at all. It's very natural. It's the way we're made.

I became very aware of this need in myself when I studied the enneagram. I am most naturally a "9" on the enneagram. But when I am in a sticky situation or feel trapped in a corner I fall toward the "6" who needs approval for just about everything he does. Thus, I like to take my work to others and receive their compliments and commendations. I find myself at my worst if someone in a supervisory position challenges my work, telling me it could be better. For me, part of it is that I grew up pretty much as a "straight-A" student in school and never got in trouble. (Perhaps I missed out on some of the best times of life!)

At the same time, I am strongly an introvert. I get re-energized when I'm alone. I can lead a large group of people through a lesson, but that is a role I fill only when necessary, and I will need quiet and solitude to find balance once again.

Yet McManus says in his book, True Self-Esteem,

"Each of us has a profound need to matter to other people. That is to say, we need to believe that we are relevant to someone, that others care about what we do and whether we live or die. We need someone who values us and respects us. We need to be needed. The feeling of mattering to other people is an extremely powerful thing. People will go to extraordinary lengths and suffer extraordinary pains and privations for those to whom they matter, and who matter to them."

I guess the biblical lesson from the book of Genesis is true. We are our brother's (sic neighbor's) keeper! (cf. Gen 4:9)